Hello Empty-Nesterhood! Time to learn my ABCs

During my wedding ceremony, my husband and I had a friend read an essay called The Station by Robert Hastings, much to the consternation of my Catholic Priest. It was a bit out of the norm for a traditional catholic service.

We loved the message of The Station, which used the analogy of train travel to explore the transition points of life that we so often anxiously wait for … when we turn 18, graduate from college, get married, buy a house, get that first job, have children, pay off the mortgage, retire … essentially the high points of a quintessential life.

Typically, in the upper reaches of our mind, these life markers are seemingly significant. We’re thinking of that “destination.” When we finally get there, life will be good. Complete.

Hastings is of course delivering the message that all too often we’re so focused on arriving at a certain destination, that we don’t observe and enjoy what’s going on around us as we travel to that next station.

This is an important point. However, we should not totally dismiss the importance and value of the station itself.

The beauty of our “arrival” at the next station, no matter good (I just got a promotion!) or bad (I just lost my job), is that it creates a pivot point - an opportunity to assess, reflect, and maybe change direction as we move forward.

Leaving the station, we can lay down a new path, or maybe walk a little further down the same road, but keep a lookout for things that we may not have noticed in the past … perhaps because we were just so dang busy and overwhelmed.

I’ve just entered one of those big life transitions. An official empty nester. Through the hubbub of the last week, two boys have gone to college and my daughter moved back to New York City. A rather chaotic household just got pretty quiet.

And after 28 years of waking up and knowing that my first priority was related to my four children, I’ve been kind of looking forward to walking into this next stage of life.

Oh the things that I can do … oh the things that I can control … oh the places I can go! (to borrow some inspiration from Dr. Suess).

At the same time, I recognize that so many people in this new phase of being an empty nester are struggling. It’s a loud drum beat of midlife - of a primary life’s purpose accomplished. And where does that leave us?

Like any big transition point in life, it takes time to get re-grounded and figure out what those next steps look like.

But we have the benefit of the station, a platform, to hold us steady until we’re ready to jump off and figure out our new route.

Bruce Feiler, author of Life is in the Transitions … Mastering Change at Any Age, explores what he calls the ABCs of meaning.

While Feiler acknowledges that there is no “single formula” - there exists decades of research that paint a picture of what a well-balanced and meaningful life looks like. And at its core are the ABCs or “pillars of meaning.” Guideposts that we can rely on to help us chart our course.

A stands for Agency.

When you’re on that station platform, Agency is our ability to feel like we’re making an impact in our world. What we do … how we act … what we make or build or create … where we focus our talents.

The psychologist Bessel van der Kolk defines agency as “the feeling of being in charge of your life: knowing where you stand, knowing that you have a say in what happens to you, knowing that you have some ability to shape your circumstance.”

Often times we don’t have it all figured out, but trying to keep an open mind about how to break down what’s in front of us into smaller, manageable steps can give us that feeling of motivation, control and sense of accomplishment that we need.

B stands for Belonging.

Our connection to others - our family, friends, neighbors, work colleagues - is a huge foundation of well being. When we’re standing on that station platform, those within our community can offer a tremendous level of support - from an expression of empathy to a full roll up your sleeves big time chat session.

You just have to ask … and sometimes create the opportunity. If you're in one of life’s big transitions, take the opportunity to connect more often with those that give you oxygen, and reconnect with those that you’ve lost touch with.

A Stanford University study of 1500 school children conducted over the past eighty years found that those with meaningful social connections lived longer. Our lives get so busy, that it’s easy to lose touch. Take the opportunity to reconnect as often as you can.

C stands for Cause.

“Cause” is a calling to something bigger. A knowing that you’ve contributed to something that makes a difference - no matter the size. It can be as simple as picking up trash during your morning walk, or volunteering at school. Delivering meals to seniors or collecting food for the Food Bank or getting on the Board of a local non-profit.

There are so many different levels of involvement … and no matter how big or how small the involvement, it feels good.

These pillar posts provide order for how to think through action steps and support mechanisms as we leave the station and continue our journey. It provides the inspiration, the know-how, the courage to start on that next chapter.

For us empty nesters, granted - life is now dramatically different. Our children are no longer under our roof and we are now parenting from afar.

While challenging, we face new opportunities to live life, feel in control and be purposeful. We can reconnect to our history – and reignite passions and friendships that have been put on the bottom shelf for quite a few years.

So I’m taking the step off the platform, not fully focused on the “destination”, and beginning the next chapter of this journey.

And I'm pretty excited about it. We tend to grow more when things shake us up a bit. I couldn't agree more that life is, indeed, in the transitions.