Unlocking Your Potential … Moving beyond the Shouldas, Couldas, Wouldas
If you find yourself saying …. “I should have" … “I could have” …"or I would have" … stop, and take some moments to think about you, and where you are now and where you want to go.
It's about creating your vision - that vision of your “ideal” self - that vision that makes you feel satisfaction, happiness, contentment, accomplishment. In short, activating your plan for personal growth, with the reward being fulfillment.
Life's too short to minimize that reward.
The world of psychology lays out the concepts of actual, ought, and ideal self. These are foundational concepts that have been explored and developed by various researchers over time.
Our actual self is us today, and who we perceive ourselves to be at present. It encompasses the characteristics, traits, beliefs, values, and behaviors that we possess based on self-awareness and self-assessment.
Our ought self is a psychological construct representing the standards, obligations, and responsibilities that individuals believe they should or ought to meet. Our behavior often reflects our perception of societal pressures, leading us to act according to perceived societal expectations.
Our ideal self is that vision of ourselves that we aspire to reach. It represents our hopes and dreams, goals and ideals. When we take time to get clear on our vision, we create a framework for personal growth and fulfillment.
Tom Gilovich, a Cornell University Psychologist conducted ground breaking research exploring “regret” at end of life. He was interested in learning more about what accounted for most people's regrets - and whether those regrets connected to actions they took, or inactions.
In his study, 76% of the regret was attributable to inaction. Things that people wished they had done, but never did.
And these actions that people regretted not taking were not accomplished because they were unattainable. They were mostly simple things, like …
learning how to play a musical instrument
planting a nourishing garden
writing poetry
staying engaged with friends
traveling more
and the list goes on.
Part of the lesson here is about living authentically, according to your true self, and your true values. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage, and effort, to push away what we perceive to be societal expectations - what we thing we ought to do.
Gilovich's work also highlighted something that I don't think you'll be surprised by - the importance of cherishing experiences over material possessions in contributing to a fulfilling life. The bigger regrets were around the regret of not spending time on experiences that bring joy and fulfillment, as opposed to accumulating wealth or possessions.
So, what's next? If you don't feel like you've taken the time to truly envision your ideal life - what you do, how you feel, who you spend your time with … maybe now is the time.
Here's some things to help get you started.
1. Identify Your Values and Priorities: Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you in life. What are your core values? What brings you the most joy and fulfillment? Clarifying your values will help you make decisions aligned with your authentic self.
2. Set Meaningful Goals: Once you understand your values, set meaningful goals that reflect them. Whether it's pursuing a passion, spending more time with family and friends, or contributing to a cause you believe in, strive for goals that resonate with your true self.
3. Embrace Vulnerability and Authenticity: Be brave enough to be yourself, even if it means being vulnerable or going against societal norms. Embracing your authentic self allows for deeper connections with others and a greater sense of fulfillment.
4. Prioritize Experiences Over Possessions: Instead of chasing material possessions, focus on accumulating experiences that bring you joy and enrich your life. Invest your time and resources in activities, travel, and adventures that create lasting memories and personal growth.
5. Practice Gratitude and Mindfulness: Cultivate a mindset of gratitude for the present moment and the experiences life offers. Practice mindfulness to fully engage with each experience and appreciate its value in shaping your life journey.
6. Take Action Now: Don't wait for the "perfect" moment to pursue your dreams or spend time with loved ones. Start taking small steps towards your goals and prioritizing meaningful experiences today.
By integrating these action steps and empowering advice into your life, you can strive towards living authentically, minimizing regrets, and creating a fulfilling life aligned with your values and aspirations.
One good habit to experiment with is thinking how to incorporate both joy and gratitude into your every day … doing things that bring you joy, and recognizing your gratitude for finding that joy.
If you are feeling a bit stuck, and need a brainstorming partner to get you started, I'm always here for you. Please reach out!